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Essay

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The Not So Great Outdoors

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When I think of my favorite writers, I don’t spend a lot of time imagining them outside. Some of my favorite writers, and comedians, seem to be more of what Jim Gaffigan calls “indoorsy.” I think of David Sedaris, Calvin Trillin, Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Bryson, Malcolm Gladwell, and Anne Lamott and none of them write long tomes about the great outdoors. John Muir they are not. If anything, they tend to live indoors, often in or near cities, and talk about their fear, hatred or general distaste for...

Wild Parties

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They found him there the next morning, passed out cold. It was clear what had happened, as the evidence lay strewn all about him on the front lawn of the Baker Lake Resort. So when Lisa Broxson, bookkeeper for the Baker Lake, Washington resort arrived in the morning for work, she did what you’d expect any normal person to do, she called Sgt. Bill Heinck, the local Fish and Wildlife Agent. It seems the culprit, a brown bear, had gotten into a camper’s cooler and had used its teeth and claws to...

Nostalgia

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When my stepson was very small, he liked to talk about things that he had experienced, sometimes as recently as a week before or even a few days. It’s not like he could remember very far back. He didn’t have years worth of memories. It was more like weeks or months. A few weeks was a lifetime to him. He would say, “Remember that time when we went to the beach, with you and mommy?” “Yes,” I’d say. It had been just the previous weekend. “That was fun,” he would say and smile. He just wanted to...

An Abundance Of Deficiency

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The American grocery store, or supermarket as they are sometimes called, is a thing of freakish wonder to begin with. The sheer volume of goods, most of it not real food, is astounding and frightening. The latest trend are the gourmet grocery stores like Fresh Fields and Trader Joe’s. They have aisles of packaged goods marked organic or vegan with a new list of ingredients you’ve never heard of. National soda brands are gone, but there are plenty of fruit juices that will rot your teeth just...

In Defense Of Sarcasm

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by David Todd McCarty | Wednesday, June 1, 2016 We, the members of the internet, just wanted to say a few words in defense of you who so diligently keep us informed on Facebook and other social media outlets to all the vital conspiracy theories, racist rants, urban myths, and fear-based flotsam and jetsam. You provide a valuable public service and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s takes a special kind of selfless public servant to regularly pass along obviously suspect information...

A Genius In The Closet

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When I was in the fourth grade, we had a genius who lived in my closet and smelled of garlic. He lived on the third floor of our house in Hatfield, Pennsylvania, slept at odd hours of the day, and kept his mail in our cereal cabinet. It’s a credit to my absolute belief in the normalcy of my family, that I didn’t find this strange in the least. The genius and I shared the third floor, which was basically a converted attic. His bed was near a large walk-in closet and that is where he...

I Don’t Do Cards

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I don’t do cards. Not for birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, baptisms, funerals or Christmas. Never did. I don’t believe in them. In 1996 I met a woman who didn’t believe in cards either. We were married a year later. I’m not saying that was the only reason, but certainly a contributing factor. She also liked John Denver, so there’s that. When you like John Denver, and you meet another person who also likes John Denver, you form a special bond. You don’t have to understand it. It’s not...

Your Self Involvement Is Intruding On My Narcissism

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I can’t stand people who only talk about themselves. Why should I be concerned about your life, your kids, your needs, your fears, when I have so many other issues to be annoyed by? It’s a little selfish if you ask me. I don’t want to offend anyone, but seriously, what we really need are more people who are sensitive to the feelings of others. Maybe take a break from your silly problems for a minute to reflect on the ongoing hell that is my life as I try to navigate a world full of people who...

Sunday Is My Favorite Day Again

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The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That’s guaranteed. I can’t begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday’s my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy. – Silver Linings Playbook When I was a kid, Sundays were always very special days in my house. First, there was always church. My father was an elder and we were involved in Sunday school and youth group...

An Inside Guy

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I’m an inside guy. I like being inside. Everyone wants me to go outside—especially my wife. But almost everything I want to do is inside. Inside is nice. It’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. I have wireless, my computer, my books, a nice chair, ice, alcohol. It’s all right there in one convenient place. Isn’t this why we moved out of the wilderness and built homes in the first place? It’s nice inside. I wasn’t always this way. There was a time where I was much more of an outdoors...

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