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Bar Talk


“So she looked at it and said, ‘What the fuck is that supposed to be?’ And I said, ‘I don’t know, this was your idea,’” said Dave.

The guys laughed.

Dave, Frank and Carl sat together at Fred’s on a Wednesday afternoon. They’d known each other since grade school. Sometimes they met for lunch and even though it was the middle of July, Fred’s was cool and dark. Frank had always complained that it was like a cave but in the summer when you worked outside all day, it could be a welcome relief.

The guys continued to chuckle as the bartender walked up.

“You guys need anything?” she asked.

“I’ll have another,” said Carl.

“Yeah, me too,” said Frank.

“Might as well make it three,” said Dave and he finished the beer he’s holding.

The bartender pulled three beers out of the cooler, knocked the caps off and put them down in the center of the bar. Each guy reached in and grabs their own then sat quietly as she cleaned up the empties and walked away again. Bob and Claudio both watched her walk away.

“Dude, you’re sister is still smokin’,” said Carl.

“Yeah she is,” said Frank.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Dave. “She has good genes.”

“We’re not just talking about her jeans,” said Frank.

“No, we are not,” said Carl.

“Mm-mmm,” said Frank.

“I still can’t believe she’s a lesbian,” said Carl.

“Why can’t you believe she’s a lesbian?” asked Frank.

“Because she’s so fucking hot,” said Carl.

“So, what?” said Frank. “There are no hot lesbians?”

“Not usually,” said Carl. “No.”

“What about in porn?” Frank said. “Plenty of hot lesbians in porn.”

“Those aren’t real lesbians,” said Carl.

“Wait, those aren’t real lesbians?” said Dave. He gave them a puzzled look.

“Tell us Bob,” said Frank. “How can you tell if they’re real or not?”

“The real ones jiggle when they run?” said Dave.

“Seriously, most of those porn stars aren’t even gay,” said Carl. “They just do it for the money.”

“You are so full of shit,” said Frank.

“Oh, I’m full of shit?” said Carl.

“Yes. You’re full of shit,” said Frank. “How many porn stars do you know?”

“I’m telling you,” said Carl. “I read things.”

“Get that?” said Frank turning to Dave. “He reads things,” then turning back to Carl, “I didn’t even know you could read.”

Carl started to say something but Dave cut in, “What about gay porn? Eh Carl? Are those guys really gay, or just doing it for the money?”

“Yeah,” said Frank. “What about those guys?”

“Definitely gay,” said Carl.

Now why is that?” said Frank.

“It’s different and you know it is,” said Carl.

“No, I don’t know,” said Frank. “You’re the expert on the topic apparently. Tell us what you’ve read.”

“How is it different Bob?” said Dave.

“No guy is going to, you know, do that to another guy, unless he’s gay,” said Carl taking a sip of his beer. “Definitely not going to let another man do that to him.”

“I see. But with women it’s different?” said Dave.

“Yes,” said Carl.

“How would you know if it was different with a woman?” said Frank.

“Ha. Ha,” Carl said. He was starting to get irritated. “Look, women are more—you know—?”

“Sexually malleable?” said Dave.

“Sexually what?” said Carl.

“Malleable. Pliable,” said Dave trying to explain. “It means they can change who they are.”

“Exactly,” said Carl.

“I don’t know Bob, you seem pretty malleable,” said Frank.

“Fuck you both,” said Carl.

“What did I do?” said Dave.

“Maybe you could turn some extra cash in the skin trade,” said Frank.

“Stop picking on Carl,” said Dave.

“Yeah. Stop picking on Carl,” said Carl.

“He’s sensitive,” said Dave.

“All I said was she was hot,” said Carl.

Just then Dave’s sister Kira, the bartender, came back around the bar.

“Who’s hot?” Kira said.

“You are,” said Frank.

“Damn right I am,” Kira said.

“Bob thinks you’re too hot to be a lesbian,” said Dave.

“That’s not what I said,” said Carl.

“That’s almost exactly what you said,” said Frank.

“I meant you just don’t look like other lesbians,” said Carl.

“What other lesbians Carl?” Kira said. “You know a lot of lesbians do you?”

“He knows one lesbian, which is exactly one more than the number of porn stars that he knows,” said Frank.

“Lesbian porn stars?” Kira said. “Carl, you dog.”

“You guys can laugh all you like,” said Carl. “All I said was that I thought you were still hot. These guys are twisting my words.”

“Still hot?” Kira said. “What do you mean STILL hot?”

“That’s it,” said Carl getting up from his stool. “Fuck all y’all. I’m gonna go take a piss.”

“Ah, don’t let them take the piss out of you!” Kira said. “I still love you!”

“Yeah, don’t go away mad, sweetheart!” said Frank.

Carl raised his hand above his head and gave everyone the finger as he walked away.

“You are a pretty hot lesbian though,” said Frank. “He’s not wrong about that.”

Kira leaned over the bar and got in Frank’s face and said quietly, “You don’t know the half of it.”

“I don’t know why I keep coming in here,” said Dave.

“Free beer little brother,” she said turning to look at Dave. “Free beer.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Dave looking at his beer. “Right. Free beer.”

She air kissed Frank, leaned back and walked away again, shaking her ass as she went.

“Seriously,” said Frank. “If she wasn’t gay—”

“She still wouldn’t fuck you,” said Dave.

“Yeah,” said Frank. “A man can dream though.”

They both take a sip of beer. About time to get back to work, thought Dave. He looked up and saw Carl talking loudly to some of the other bar patrons across the room.

“What do you think Carl dreams about?” said Dave and they watched Carl who was gesturing wildly like he was in the throws of passion.

“Gay porn stars,” said Frank.

They both chuckled and finished their beers.

“Let’s go Carl,” yelled Dave. “Play time is over.”

About the author

David Todd McCarty

David Todd McCarty is a writer, director, photographer and cinematographer. He writes fiction and nonfiction essays as well as journalism. You can see his commercial work at http://www.hoppingfrogstudios.com

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Writer | Journalist | Storyteller


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