I was visiting my parents recently and happened to pick up the local newspaper, which was sitting on the kitchen table. There on the front page, was the big news of the day, “Lost Items Collected In Lost And Found.”
I’m not making this up. I actually had to read it several times and show it to various suspicious family members to make sure. They assumed I was making it up, or at least exaggerating. But there it was, “Lost Items Collected In Lost And Found.”
I guess, “Lost Items Found In Lost And Found,” would have seemed too obvious, or not sufficiently investigative. But then again, I guess lost items can only be considered collected until they are claimed at which time they would be considered found. Maybe this was a bigger story than I had first given it credit. I had to go deeper.
Apparently, someone in the community was collecting lost items and putting them in a lost and found. Hatfield, the small town where my parents live, is really keeping up with the times. What will they think up next?
Michael Rocco, a staff writer for the North Penn Reporter, reports in the article that A.M. Kulp Elementary School has not one, but two lost and found locations. He goes on to quote Gemma Geigert, the principal of the school as saying, “For some reason kids go home without their coats. These are expensive coats, but no one comes in and says, ‘My child came home without a coat.’”
Apparently, there is also a large shoebox for smaller items, “like fake hair, pens, books and change purses.”
Fake hair? How do you just gloss over fake hair and group it together with pens, book and change purses like this is something you always find in a lost and found? Who is wearing and then misplacing fake hair in an elementary school? I don’t know about you, but I believe this to be a disturbing trend all on its own.
But the principal wasn’t the only one getting into the act. Michael Rocco had also tracked down a lunch lady who had gotten involved.
Lunch aide Maria Bujak is described in the article as “the Indiana Jones of the school, collecting lost items from the playground and cafeteria.”
“They leave things outside and we’ll being them in and ask the kids,” Ms. Bujak is quoted as saying. She must be a hell of an investigator. Bringing lost items in and asking the kids if they belong to them.
With all due respect to Ms. Bujak, I don’t think Indiana Jones would be all that impressed. The lost articles he found belonged to dead people, he being an archeologist and all, and as anyone will tell you, the dead have traditionally had a very difficult time of it when it comes to keeping track of their belongings.
Besides Indiana Jones carried a gun and a whip, with which he used to battle snakes and demons, not mention Nazi’s. I’m just not sure it’s fair to compare the lunch lady at A.M. Kulp Elementary to Indiana Jones, just because she picks up loose clothing. Kind of cheapens the efforts of keeping a crazed cult leader from ripping out your heart, or stowing aboard a Nazi U-Boat don’t you think?
Of course, this was on the bottom half of the front page. It got beat out by the lead article which read, “Free Parking Working For Local Businesses.” I must admit, I didn’t read the article to find out how it was working or whether the parking was free for the local businesses or their customers. You can only handle so much news in a single day.