Despite our abiding insistence on freedom and independence, we remain social creatures in search of the safety of the hive
Human beings lie. We lie all the time. We lie to each other. We lie to ourselves. It is part of what makes us human. We are not entirely alone within the broader animal kingdom, as there are plenty of other species who use various forms of deception, pretending to be something they’re not. It’s just that they usually do so as a defensive mechanism against would-be predators. Most creatures, do not try to deceive other members of the same species, let alone themselves. We seem to have a lock on that little peccadillo. Well done, us.
We tell ourselves, and others, that we cherish freedom and independence above all else; the ability to do what we want, when we want to do it, but in truth, we desperately want someone else to decide how we spend our time so we are off the hook for our disastrous, messy lives. We claim to want greater choices, but in reality prefer fewer options so that we can complain that our options were limited, and we didn’t really have a choice. When our options are wide open, the only blame we can assign, is to ourselves for making such poor decisions.
This isn’t confined to whether we choose A over B when it comes to buying some piece of merchandise, choosing a career path, or picking a mate. We also want to be told who to like, what to trust, what is true, and which is important. It’s why we are so easily influenced, and why we associate with various groups and communities that will give us an identity beyond our own. We are too terrified to exist entirely on our own, but require like-minded people to bounce ideas off of, in order for them to tell us who we are, and what to think.
Most of you are thinking, as I often do, that this doesn’t apply to you. You are not like this. You are not a follower, but nor are you necessarily a leader. You go your own way. You do your own thing. You keep your own counsel. You value your independence and will always fight for the forces of freedom.
Except you don’t actually operate this way. None of us do.
We all like to think of ourselves as independent, critical thinkers, but the reality is that most of the time, we accept the narrative that most closely fits within our carefully constructed worldview. If the right person, someone we respect presumably, expresses an opinion about a topic we know very little about, we will adopt that position, as a sort of default. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us. Unless something comes along to shake that position loose, it will become deeply embedded in our psyche.
It doesn’t even really matter whether they’re right or wrong, or whether we know the difference. We trust that guy, and he seems pretty worked up about it, so it must be true. That won’t be the sole rationale for our position. We’ll say their position sounded logical to us, or more likely, we won’t even mention the source of our belief. It will just magically be our position now. We read about it somewhere.
I notice this a lot when it comes to the hive mind of certain social groups. A key influencer goes in or out of favor. So and so said thus and such and therefore they’re now either in or out with the group. Say the wrong thing, or let it be taken out of context, and the hive turns on you, cancelling or dismissing your point of view.
This all goes along with my theory that most of us don’t know fuck all, but are only lightly informed by second or third-hand knowledge and not more than surface deep at that. What do we really know from first-hand, relevant experience? Not very much. What do we think we know because we read about it somewhere or saw a clip from a video once? Almost everything else.
I am not suggesting that we should all be more independent in our thinking, becoming experts on all manner of relevant topics so that we can develop original ideas to support our disparate system of beliefs. I am merely suggesting that we stop pretending that our beliefs are purely our own and that we come upon them organically and without significant outside influence. We need to be more honest about our deeply-held beliefs that, come to find out, tend to be rather arbitrary and capricious, and not quite so deeply held.
I often think of the Libertarian House Cat paradox, which explains the libertarian mindset as that of a domesticated house-cat, entirely convinced of their fierce independence while utterly dependent on a system they don’t appreciate or understand. I’m picking on libertarians here, because it’s fun and they deserve it, but in truth, we’re all guilty of this type of selective thinking.
Of course, we don’t believe we want to be told how to think, or what to do, but at the same time, we seem to require constant affirmation that the choices we make are sound, logical, and moral—or at least justifiable. We do not posses an independent moral compass that tells us these things, but require confirmation that we are on the right side of history, even as half of society soundly believes the opposite to be true.
If we are to ever again regain some sense of national unity, I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to change how we think about one another, and for me, the best place to start is with myself, the only person I have an outside chance of ever changing. Be the change you want to see in the world, we are told. I think there’s a lot of truth in that, and the most important lesson is that we are largely ignorant about the world around us, so there’s really no point to being so confident and dogmatic about everything. Give up need to be right and embrace our own ignorance. There’s so much more peace in letting go.
The chances that we are all wrong about everything, are far more likely than the notion that any one of us is right about anything, so maybe lighten up a bit on the self-righteous indignation. I’m not saying you should abandon your ideological beliefs, but that you should embrace a rather healthy dose of humility and grace, both for yourself and others. Kindness makes everyone feel better and causes us to lower our guard. Give that a shot and see how it works out.
My wife is threatening to make an apple pie, and that’s really the most important thing happening around these parts, despite the scary news reports. I would like a slice of apple pie, with whipped cream, and that seems well within my grasp. If push came to shove, I could make my own damn pie, but cooking is how she shows her love for her family, so I am quite content to be the recipient of her love and compassion.
Find your piece of pie, whatever that may be. It’s probably not as complicated as you think, and likelier than not, right in front of you, and much closer to home.