Everyone will tell you how they lost the weight. They can’t wait to tell you how they lost the weight. But no one tells you how they gained the weight. I’m sure it’s no mystery. Eat shitty. Sedentary lifestyle. Booze. Well, this is my story. I went to the doctor…
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In Praise of Subtlety
We live in a loud world. The music. The traffic. The colors. The entertainment. The styles. The music. It’s all deafening. Kanye and Kardashians. Big egos and asses. Poster children for the era we currently find ourselves in. All hype. No humility. Even the written word seems to have gotten…
Nothing’s Ever The Same As It Ever Was
Nostalgia (n). 1. A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations. When looking through old photographs, we often say things like, “Look at this picture of me from when I was younger.” But as my wife would tell you,…
A Fire In The Fireplace
My wife Jane thinks it’s silly to talk about having a fire in the fireplace. “Where else would you light a fire? The sink?” she’ll say. I guess she has a point, but it sounds strange to simply say, “I think I’ll start a fire” then walk into the other…
It’s Scarf Season Motherfuckers
It’s scarf season motherfuckers. That’s right. I’m breaking out my scarves and there’s nothing you can do about it. Black ones, grey ones, yellow ones. Linen, wool, cotton. Long, wide, frayed, infinite loop, keffiyeh. I’ve got em all. And yet, I just bought two more. I’ve always said that fat…
I Don’t Do Cards
I don’t do cards. Not for birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, baptisms, funerals or Christmas. Never did. I don’t believe in them. In 1996 I met a woman who didn’t believe in cards either. We were married a year later. I’m not saying that was the only reason, but certainly a contributing…
Your Self Involvement Is Intruding On My Narcissism
I can’t stand people who only talk about themselves. Why should I be concerned about your life, your kids, your needs, your fears, when I have so many other issues to be annoyed by? It’s a little selfish if you ask me. I don’t want to offend anyone, but seriously,…
The Responsibility of Free Speech
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. These forty-five words encompass the…
Sunday Is My Favorite Day Again
The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That’s guaranteed. I can’t begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday’s my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.…
An Inside Guy
I’m an inside guy. I like being inside. Everyone wants me to go outside—especially my wife. But almost everything I want to do is inside. Inside is nice. It’s warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. I have wireless, my computer, my books, a nice chair, ice, alcohol.…