How to go bald gracefully without the fear and anxiety of losing your hair
When I was in the fifth grade, one of my best friends was this kid who wore two hearing aids. His name was Stephen Lesko. Why I remember that little piece of trivia is beyond me. I have no recollection of his hearing loss having any other bearing on his life or our friendship. The only annoying thing about it was when I would sleep over, he would take his hearing aids out Embrace Your Baldness And Be Freeand we would get yelled at for staying up late talking because we would get too loud with our stage whispers.
That was the point of a sleepover back then. Stay up late, talking shit, telling stories, and cracking each other up. But that’s not my sharpest memory of that year. That memory is of Steve’s father.
Thinking back, he was probably only in his 30s or 40s, but he was a grown man and the first person I ever knew who shaved his head. He went to the barbershop once a week, and they shaved his head with a straight razor. A real chrome dome. He looked like a superhero or a rock star. I’d never seen anything like it before outside of Superman’s Lex Luther. It shined.
I don’t remember what he did for work, some sort of office work or sales, but he was on a men’s fast-pitch softball team, and he was their pitcher. I was a baseball catcher at the time, and catching for him scared the bejeezus out of me. He’d windmill those balls in at what felt like 90mph. They went to the state finals in Lancaster that year.
I thought he was a badass.
For the purposes of this article, I’m speaking mainly to men, because they’re the ones who need the most help. Women have a whole network of support if they should discover they’re losing their hair, starting with unironic wigs and head scarves.
If a woman chooses to reveal that she’s bald, whether she wears a wig or not, she’s called brave and lauded as a hero. No one has ever called a balding man brave. Should they attempt to cover it up, men are ridiculed unmercifully. Plugs. Rug. Toupee. Combover. Friar Tuck. Men get zero compassion for losing their hair. So for this story, I’m speaking to the men.
Let’s start with your delusions.
Humans see the world in three dimensions and from all sides. Our appearance in the world is not restricted, therefore, to what we can see in the mirror, but exists outside of ourselves, outside of our self-perceptions. Just because you can convince yourself that you don’t look bald if you comb your hair a certain way, doesn’t mean the rest of the world doesn’t know you’re bald. We stand above you when you’re seated. We walk behind you. We see you from all angles. It’s all we can see.
There is nothing more pathetic than a man desperate to hide his baldness and failing miserably. It evokes pity and profound sadness, and when done with the right amount of panache, hilarity. Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Admittedly, there was a time when being bald was less cool. There simply weren’t a lot of bald celebrities. They all wore wigs and hairpieces and kept it a big secret. Then we got rock stars and celebrities like Bruce Willis, Michael Stipe, Jason Statham, Samuel L Jackson, and Patrick Stewart. Why try to be Franky Valli when you can be Stanley Tucci?
Maybe there was a time when being bald was equated with some form of weakness or lack of masculinity. A loss of sexual appeal and animal magnetism. Not anymore. What makes you look weak now is the same as it’s always been: desperation.
I first started shaving my head in the 90s. I wasn’t losing my hair and had no particular reason for doing so. It was just something I thought would look cool and wanted to try. I had always been cavalier about my hair. I’d grown it out long, down the middle of my back. I’d also had a bright blue mohawk and a bright orange spiky doo. It was just hair. It’d grow back.
I shaved my head with a razor for over a decade. Maybe more like 15 years. Then I got bored with that and grew my hair out again. I would grow a beard and then shave it off, and do the same with my hair. It was a way to express myself and keep from getting bored with my appearance as I grew increasingly older and fatter.
Admittedly, I have never faced the prospect of unintentionally losing my hair. It was a choice and not a matter of genetics, chance, or bad luck. But then again, anything can happen, and maybe it wouldn’t grow back quite the same. It was a risk, but one I was willing to take.
There are all sorts of medical remedies these days, and I don’t fault anyone who uses artificial means to improve their appearance. Working out is an entirely artificial experience designed purely for aesthetic purposes. You’re not working in the fields all day. You want to look good in a bathing suit. Girls get boob jobs. It’s all good.
But you have to know when to quit.
At some point, you’re just better off wiping the slate clean and starting over. Buy yourself a cool pair of glasses, even if you don’t wear glasses. Grow a beard if you can, or a stache, or even a soul patch. Pierce your ear. Start wearing killer hats. Change your whole program. But go the full Monty. Don’t just dilly-dally around. That only makes it worse. Shave that puppy and buff it to a glorious shine.
You will get more compliments and looks from men and women than you ever would as some ordinary man with hair. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a shit about a man’s hair. Who do you think you are, Fabio?
It’s confidence that makes us attractive. Keeping a shameful secret only makes us more anxious. Being who we are and being okay with it is such a relief. No more worrying about swimming or the wind. No more worrying about what she will think. Just be you.
Say it with me. Say it loud. I’m bald, and I’m proud.