It’s scarf season motherfuckers. That’s right. I’m breaking out my scarves and there’s nothing you can do about it. Black ones, grey ones, yellow ones. Linen, wool, cotton. Long, wide, frayed, infinite loop, keffiyeh. I’ve got em all. And yet, I just bought two more.
I’ve always said that fat men love scarves, but that’s probably not even accurate. A lot of fat men are constantly hot, so maybe a scarf is not the thing for them. What I should say is that this fat man loves scarves, and really, that’s all that matters.
I love scarves because they go with everything. They draw your eye to the face, as opposed to the oversized midsection. They hide and disguise in very clever ways. They are, in effect, quite magical.
Currently I have a large beard hiding my chin and neck, so I don’t really need the scarf as much for that, but still, it’s nice to know you have the option. They have a fashion edge that allows me to appear at least slightly stylish even though I’m wearing a bed sheet for a shirt and I can’t keep my pants up. The scarf adds a little joie de vivre to my day. When I look in the mirror, from the chest up, I look pretty suave.
My wife doesn’t really understand my scarf obsession. Understand is also probably not the right word. She thinks I’m excessive. Why am I buying a new scarf, when I have old scarves I’m not wearing.
I have literally dozens of scarves, but I tend to wear the same half dozen most of the time. Occasionally, I’ll find the perfect scarf and then somehow lose it. One in particular was my favorite of all time, and I used it during a newborn shoot for my grandson, who promptly peed all over it. So my wife put it through the laundry and now it’s wash cloth.
Another favorite I left behind in a tow truck and never recovered.
So, I’m constantly on the lookout for a new favorite. But they don’t always work out. Some I never take to. Some aren’t what I thought they’d be. But I’m not going to ship a $20 scarf back to Turkey. So they add up and take up space, which is really what my wife hates. The clutter. She hates clutter.
I guess what I really need to do is go through them all and donate the ones I know I’m not going to wear. Keep my favorites and few that I wear on special occasions. Maybe it’s a lightweight scarf I’ll wear with a suit. Or an oversized wool scarf I’ll only wear if it’s cold outside and I’m wearing in lieu of a coat.
That’s another thing about a scarf for me. Even if it’s cold outside, I can wear a scarf and a hat, and be pretty damn toasty. I’m not talking about working outside, but to get from my house to a car with heated seats, I really don’t have to be dressed that warm. In fact, wearing a heavy coat for an hour and a half commute is kind of a pain in the ass.
My favorite styles tend to be grouped into three categories:
The traditional Middle Eastern headdress fashioned from a square scarf, usually made of cotton. You’re used to seeing them on middle eastern men, or military guys. I have a whole slew of them that Angry Heather sent me from Afghanistan. Some of them have little skulls or little AK-47’s on them. They’re very nice. They provide great protection but since they are made of cotton, you can wear them even on milder days.
These are the knit scarves that are basically a big loop with no end, hence the name. You double them up and wear them as two big loops around your neck. The key advantage of the infinity scarf is that it can’t come undone. This is my favorite scarf to shoot in because I never have to worry about it falling off. It’s a very carefree scarf. The downside is, they tend to be made of wool and are therefore overly warm at times. I got one in Germany last year for $14EU that was perfect, then I lost it.
When I find the right ones, these are my favorite. Often made of linen, but sometimes a blend, these tend to be lighter weight, but somehow bulky at the same time. They create great folds and creases, and yet are not overly restrictive. The problem is using finding them large enough. Too often they’re just too small. These are the ones I search for. My favorite of these was one I bought from ALLSAINTS, the retail clothing store. That’s the one my grandson peed on.
So as the days get shorter, the mornings cooler, and the need for a little something to keep out the chill draws near, you can be sure I’ll be sporting a scarf. And who knows, maybe I’ll be singing Christmas carols in the car before you know it.