We love lists in this country. We like to make them. We like to read them. If this wasn’t true click-farms like BuzzFeed and Huffington Post wouldn’t post so damn many of them. The lists don’t actually have to be that good because it’s all about the headline. If you click on the headline, they get paid. They don’t really give a shit if you read it or not. Actually that’s not true. They want you to forward to a friend with the phrase, “I can’t stop laughing.”
These are a small sample I found on just one page of BuzzFeed. These are all real.
24 Things That Happen Every Time You Get Drunk.
11 Reasons Why Christmas Is Actually The Scariest Holiday
24 Reasons Why Netflix Is The Most Important Thing In Your Life.
14 Celebrity Names You ALWAYS Have To Google.
11 Signs You’re At A Filipino Party.
Apparently Top Tens were so 2007 and they wanted to appeal to those wacky millennials with their offbeat sense of humor and fancy shoes. So they tend to mix it up a bit.
Eleven seems to be a big number for lists. That makes sense I guess. It’s basically a Top Ten with an extra one thrown in. Maybe a Spinal Tap reference. They go to eleven. But that seems too retro for the current crop of hipsters. Or has it gotten old enough to be cool? I’m not sure. Eleven is a funny number, though. Just ask the Scottish [WATCH VIDEO].
Twenty-four also seemed to come up quite a bit but that seemed more of a mystery to me. Is it a Jack Bauer reference? The number hours in a day? Simply an overachieving writer? It’s hard to know what evil machinations reside in the minds of BuzzFeed editors.
So, I decided to come with my own list. I can’t really speak intelligently about the current crop of celebrities and I’m not all that hip on the latest pop culture references, so I stayed away from any of that. They say to write what you know, so as far as I can tell, these are:
THE 11 WORST PEOPLE IN AMERICA
11. That Guy Who Claims He Isn’t With Either Political Party But Is Clearly Nuts.
This guy is so right wing, he doesn’t even think we should have a government, which is why he doesn’t identify with the Republican Party. If pushed, he might agree to having Libertarian leanings, but he’ll insist he’s not political, and then launch into the craziest, conspiracy-theory rant on the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, the United Nations and Obama’s place of birth. Not only are his theories so far out of any kind of mainstream thinking, he comes off sounding like Ted Kazinsky on amphetamines. One thing is for sure, he’s getting these theories from somewhere online that most likely leaves you with an FBI file.
10. People Who Are WAY Too Into Animals.
I like animals well enough. Like Jim Gaffigan says, “Animals. Fun to pet. Better to eat.” I loved my dog. I miss him sometimes. But he’s gone now and we’ve decided not to get another one. I have one cat left who is sweet but is losing her mind and when she finally shuffles off her mortal coil, that will be it for us and pets. I have kids. I have grandkids. I don’t need pets. On the other hand, there are people out there that not only love their animals, they love all animals. They get offended when you say this, but people who have never had kids have a strange attachment to their pets that simply doesn’t exist with people who have kids. It’s true. You’ll never see someone with a kid act that way with their pet. They still love them, but it’s not the same and they know it. Non human child parents get offended by this. I’m not sure why. I know you love your ferret like a child, but if you ever had a child, you’d realize it was different. I don’t even have any biological children and I know the difference. The next level of animal lovers are the ones who fall apart every time they hear about someone abusing an animal like someone choked out their baby sister. I don’t approve of any animal abuse. Even if you’re eating the animal or using their hide, they should be treated humanely even in death. But it’s still an animal. Again from Jim Gaffigan, “You ever eat McDonald’s in front of a vegetarian? They act like you’re barbecuing a kitten. ‘Do you know what they do to those animals?’ ‘No, but it’s delicious.’”
9. The Slow Driver In The Left Hand Lane.
This should just be common courtesy, but in New Jersey, it’s also the law. The left lane is for passing. If you’re not traveling faster than the person behind you, no matter your speed, you get over and let them pass. In fact, you should always be traveling in the right land, unless you’re passing someone. This isn’t complicated. You fuckwads that are creeping along in the left hand lane thinking to yourselves, “What is everyone’s big hurry? I’m not moving over. They can go around me.” You are are the cause of all pain in the world. It’s you and then ISIS. You’re causing unnecessary traffic jams and making it take longer for me to get home. I already drive an hour and a half each way to and from work. You’re probably just airing out your crazy aunt. Just get the fuck over.
8. The Guy On Facebook Who Wants To Argue With Everyone.
I know a lot of people who would say that’s me, and I get it. But I really don’t argue with everyone. I just speak up when I think the herd is running off a cliff. What I’m talking about is the guy who jumps on your feed at the slightest provocation and proceeds to argue with everyone. Let’s be real folks. If I just wanted to argue with people, I could have kept all those staunchly conservative folks as friends and just trolled them all day long. I have no delusions that I’m going to convince some right wing nut of my crazy liberal beliefs. And vice versa. We have these discussions with like minded people to strengthen our ideas and convictions. Sometimes you might be talking to someone who doesn’t have strong beliefs about the topic. You might gently move them toward your position, or at least make them think about what they believe. If you already have strong beliefs that contradict mine, why don’t you rant on your own page? That’s what I try to do. But truth be told, sometimes I’m that guy. I realize this. What are you gonna do?
7. The Woman At The Register Fishing Through Her Purse.
In this day and age, with credit cards and iPhones that will pay your bills, there is no reason for me to wait in line behind you while you fish through your pocketbook for your wallet, then find cash, count out exact change from your grandmother’s change purse, then put everything away before grabbing your bags and leaving. I really don’t have that kind of time. I’ve lost years in stores waiting behind women. First rule, be prepared before you get in line, or at the very least, while you’re in line, use that time to get your shit together. If you’re really poor and you don’t have a credit card or bank card, you get a pass with me. But if you just “don’t like them” then they should have a separate line, in hell, for you. On the other hand, if you pull out a checkbook I should legally be able to punch you in the face and leave with my stuff without paying.
6. That Family That Just Stops Walking.
You’ve seen them. A group of 4-6. They walk into the door of a place, then stop to discuss the meaning of life, completely blocking the way for everyone else. They also like to congregate at the end of ramp in airports, at the top of escalators, in the middle of the sidewalk or pretty much anywhere you’re trying to move through. It’s pure oblivion. Let me help you out. Before you embark, elect a leader, move to the side and decide what you’re donna do. There are people trying to get where they’re going. This applies double for the moving walkway. It’s not a ride.
5. That Spoiled Kid.
A kid throwing a fit can happen anywhere to everyone. I’m not talking about normal kid behavior. I’m also not talking about kids with real issues. I’m talking about uncontrolled, shitty kid behavior due to shitty parenting. The kind of behavior that the parents ignore and the rest of us have to deal with. In public is not where you teach your kids a lesson by ignoring their bad behavior. If you want to try that tactic, you try that shit at home. In public is where you practice your good manners. You know, all that shit you were supposed to be teaching your kids at home. Here’s a tip. Silverware are not drumsticks. I know kids love to do this shit, but it’s not acceptable, anywhere, and certainly not in a restaurant. If you can’t control your kids, don’t take them out in public. And don’t think I won’t try and make your kid cry. I’m not above that. I’ll do it.
4. The One Who Is Both Ignorant And Arrogant.
This is one of my favorites. This is an equal opportunity offender as it affects both men and women. These were the kids who were told that everyone is a winner, only to grow up into clueless assholes. They are self-assured, cocky and vocal. They are not afraid to speak up, even though they don’t know what they’re talking about. This is a person who heard half of a conversation about a topic they don’t full understand, and now they’re regurgitating it to you as fact. Or they had a half a semester of child psychology and now feel qualified to tell you what’s wrong with your kid. Sometimes they simply saw a behind the scenes featurette on the DVD extras, and now they can direct your commercial. They’re a plague. If you want to study something, figure out how to rid the world of these people.
3. The Conspiracy Theorist.
They seem normal at first. Steady job. Decent car. Well dressed. Friendly enough. You start up a conversation and at first it seems like you’re agreeing when the conversation makes a hard right into Cuckoo Town. This guy, and it’s almost always a guy, is very well read, but only on very specific subjects. They differ from the Right Wing Nut Job in that they’re not necessarily right wing, but they share a paranoia about the Federal Government. More often than not, they’re on the anarchist end of the political spectrum. They have theories about theories. Television was developed to control the masses. Aliens have been here but the government doesn’t want us to know about it. Contrails? They’re not sure how or why, but they know the government is behind them and up to something. As soon as they start going down the rabbit hole I start backing away slowly. Sorry, you’re on your own with this one.
2. The Loud Talker.
This is right up there with my biggest pet peeves in the world. It’s often tied to cell phone use, but not always. Some people just don’t understand that they’re not the only person on the planet. If you’re having a conversation in a restaurant, or in a bar, the only people who should really be able to hear you are the people you’re talking to. If I’m sitting three tables over and I can completely follow your story, you’re talking TOO FUCKING LOUD. Modern technology is wonderful and they’ve perfected the microphones so that you can speak in a normal speaking voice and the other person should be able to hear you. Just because you’re in a loud place, and can’t hear yourself, doesn’t mean you have to shout to make up for it. Have a little respect for the people around you.
1. Kanye West
I think you know what I mean.