Dear Men:
We have recently concluded an exhaustive study, including numerous discussions with persons of the female gender, and have determined that the once hopeful program, “Digital Genitalia Distribution in Order to Influence and Entice Women” through the act of sending pictures of your penis via digital means, has not only been unsuccessful, it has actually been a determent to our goal of attracting women in general.
Among the top respondents of the survey were the following:
“Gross.”
“Ewwwww.”
“I don’t know how you live with those things.”
“Seriously? That?”
The good news is, despite the often repulsion that occurs due to the sight of our genitalia, they still seem to be interested in us as a species, so all is not lost.
After months of research, we at the Angry Dave Trading Post, have come to the conclusion that the best course of action would be to cease and desist all manner of so called “dick pics.” Also any form of nude selfies of the male human body.
While we applaud Kenneth and his initial pilot program, and the subsequent roll-out among American men of all ages, it does not seem to be working. The research suggests, that with the advent of social media, and the speed with which images and video spread, that men have done more damage than we had earlier anticipated. Not only are individual women not interested in this approach, they have been sharing said images in fits of hysterical laughter.
Brad, from The Office of Statistical Analysis has done a cost/benefit analysis and determined that we have a 98% failure rate. Now I don’t have to tell you that we’ve been struggling to get below 79% for decades, even with all of our programs combined, but at 98% we have to face the hard fact that it’s just not working.
Ethan, one of our research interns, reported than the bulk of the women he interviewed had “nothing nice to say” about men who chose to send them these so called “dick pics.” Upon further discussion he went on further to note that women were “disgusted,” “appalled,” and even “repelled” by digital pictures of male genitalia.
No offense to Kenneth and his project. It was, after all, a bold attempt. But we must, in light of overwhelming evidence, recognize that while men like to look at women’s genitalia, women do not seem to have the same fascination with our own.
Trevor has been speaking for years about gender inequality, but we all thought he was just being difficult and insecure. We must now recognize the truth behind his paranoia. All genitalia are not equal.
Women, while somehow being attracted to us, are not particularly interested in our “stuff.” They’ll deal with it, especially so long as it works, but they’re not as obsessed with it as we had hoped.
So it must be said that we will need to find a new way to woo women and appeal to their complicated aesthetics even though we have very little to give physically.
Owen has suggested humor, once again, and we’re willing to give that a try again.
Liam, one of our newest members, has suggested talking to them but was immediately overruled by the more senior staff as “absurd” and “impossible.” These kids. You have to love their naivety.
Kyle believes that we are in danger of losing market share to Lesbian Farmers, but no one really takes that seriously.
We will continue to investigate, and by trial and error, work to determine what exactly it is women are looking for. In the meantime, good luck and good night.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The Committee
