“I have climbed highest mountains. I have run through the fields, only to be with you. I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, only to be with you. But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
Paul David Hewson (Bono)
Originally published August, 2023
They say that eventually, everyone finds their tribe, so why am I still searching for mine?
Within the world of misfits, it’s often taken as an act of faith that eventually, you will find a tribe of like-minded people—your tribe—and finally, the world will feel normal and whole. It’s more or less the plot of every coming-of-age story ever told, the story of every nerd or weirdo that ever found a home—the notion that many of us feel like aliens, born into the wrong place or time, far from anything that feels familiar.
We just don’t fit, and it shows.
You often hear this from artists and musicians, comedians, and actors. But also from people on the fringes of society, queers and queens, bikers, and basketcases. One moment they were adrift and alone, and the next, they were part of a community.
My question is whether we become the person we want to be or do we find a community of like-minded individuals that we somehow connect with? How do we go about becoming a person of substance, our authentic selves? How do we become somebody?
Becoming Somebody
“I’ll never forget the day Marilyn and I were walking around New York City, just having a stroll on a nice day,” wrote Amy Greene, the wife of Marilyn Monroe’s personal photographer and business partner Milton Greene. “She loved New York because no one bothered her there like they did in Hollywood, she could put on her plain-jane clothes, and no one would notice her. She loved that.
“So as we were walking down Broadway, she turns to me and says, ‘Do you want to see me become her?’
“I didn’t know what she meant, but I said ‘Yes’- and then I saw it.
“I don’t know how to explain what she did because it was so very subtle, but she turned something on within herself that was almost like magic. And suddenly, cars were slowing, and people were turning their heads and stopping to stare. They were recognizing that this was Marilyn Monroe as if she had pulled off a mask or something, even though a second ago, nobody noticed her.
“I had never seen anything like it before.”
I’ve always marveled at this story. Norma Jeane becoming Marylin Monroe with only the slightest change in attitude, a snap of her fingers, and a shift in carriage. It makes you wonder when she discovered she could do that. Had she always known? Was this a talent that needed to be discovered so she could reach a larger audience, or was it something she developed over time in order to cope with an antagonistic world?
Everybody is already somebody. This much we know is true. But some people want to be more than simply themselves. They want to be something else. Something important. Someone memorable. They want to be somebody.
Feigning Confidence
The legendary comedian, author, playwright, and banjo player Steve Martin said, “When I first started, I decided to fake confidence. Because I thought it was important that they sensed that I believed. If I was the slightest bit nervous about something, they could smell it, and then they would become judges. But if I was confident, it was like, ‘I don’t care what you think.’”
When it comes to radiating success, nothing is more powerful, or attractive, than simple confidence. It tells the world that you have a plan and things are going according to it. We’re such simple creatures, that we give them the benefit of the doubt. It must be working for them. They seem so confident.
There is a lot to be said for being quietly confident, which is different from braggadocios or arrogant. Confidence need not be hubris. It can be calm, cool, collected, and quiet.
Fake It Till You Make It
My mother is an artist. The mediums have changed and evolved over time. Initially, it was dance, first as a ballerina and then as an instructor for 35 years. Since then, it has ranged from drawing and painting to sculpture, multimedia, gardening, and interior decorating. She likes to create, and I don’t think she separates the form her canvas takes from the reality she lives. It’s all grist for the mill. An idiosyncratic expression of self.
Early on, she would do what all beginners do, which is mimicking artists she admired. She would take form or composition from one artist, and maybe a color palette from another. Borrowing styles and concepts that resonated with her and inspired her own ideas. All the while, she was convinced that she couldn’t possibly ever sell her work because it wasn’t original. She was just copying the work of others. Except she wasn’t. She only thought she was.
It’s only recently (she just turned 81) that she has come to the realization, with a bit of prodding by her oldest son, that while she had been inspired by all these other artists, the work she was doing was solely her own. She was her own artist, and the style she had developed over the last few decades was hers, and hers alone.
The comedian Sarah Silverman was talking about our ability to change as people, and she suggested that it might be possible for us to become the person we pretend to be. A sort of fake-it-till-you-make-it philosophy of personal growth. Stop trying to change who you are and just pretend to be the person you hope to be. Eventually, maybe that will be who you become. It’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Everyone is already trying to put on a show for the world—might as well make it a good one.
This is how it is for a lot of creative types. We start out faking it, but slowly, after a while, it becomes a part of who we are. We become the thing we pretend to be, even if it doesn’t look anything like we thought it would. We evolve into ourselves—into the people we were meant to be.
It All Comes Down To Fingerprints
The humorist David Sedaris once wrote about his disillusionment that we are not all as unique as we think we are. If you spend enough time with the general public, you soon learn how herd-like we are, how little there is that is truly original. We all think we have all these original ideas and thoughts, only to find we are following along in a well-worn rut.
“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique,” Sedaris writes, “but I’m afraid that when all is said and done, the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
This isn’t entirely true, but it’s true of most people, which is entirely the point. If you want to be somebody, you must be like nobody else. Otherwise, you become like everyone.
I don’t think this was ever a conscious effort on my part, but I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drummer, kept my own counsel, charted my own path, and followed my own conscience. It has largely served me well, but it occurs to me now that if you’re going to be an explorer, venturing into uncharted territory, you will eventually find yourself all alone. You can’t expect to go where no man has gone before and find a party when you get there.
Like Groucho Marx, I have never been interested in any club that was interested in me. I’ve always had my eyes on the horizon, searching for something bigger and better. Never quite satisfied with what has come before and eager to see what happens next. I have spent my life striving to become something, to become someone.
I suspect I’ll never get there. Eventually, I’ll come to the same realization that countless men and women who came before me—that it’s not the destination but the journey that matters. It’s the reason celebrities and entrepreneurs don’t quit once they’ve achieved a level of success that would boggle the average mind. There is never enough to satisfy the human soul when it comes to achievement.
There is only the winding path, calling you to follow along, over the hill and around the bend. The end is only darkness, so we’d better start looking around. This is the big show. You’re in it right now. These aren’t the previews of coming attractions. It’s the feature film.
I have often wondered if the only way to achieve real success is to ignore the concept entirely. Once we are creating for ourselves and no one else, when we are free to express our true selves, confidently and humbly, then we will be heralded.
The irony, of course, is that we will no longer care about such things.
Life is funny, you know.