As a general rule I am not a terribly social person, and in fact avoid in-person social interaction whenever possible, so when I was told to isolate myself because of a global pandemic, I didn’t have to even think twice about it. No problem, I thought, I’ve been waiting for…
Wasting Time
It’s Saturday morning and I’ve come downstairs to find my wife Jane sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading a magazine. I’ve been upstairs showering, dressing, and generally trying to decide how I want to waste my time today. That’s what Jane calls it. Wasting time. I’m okay…
Power tools
Up until quite recently, my entire tool collection consisted of a few mismatched screwdrivers, a circular saw my mother gave me, a power drill my wife bought me, and various tools we had given Ricky, my seven-year-old step-son, for Christmas. Ricky’s tools weren’t even toys; they were real, and I had…
Looking For bears
“We’re going to the dump,” Jane announced. I was lying on the sofa of a cabin in the Adirondacks. We were on vacation and I had purposely traveled thousands of miles away from home just so I wouldn’t have to do anything remotely like work. This sounded like work. I…
I’m Not From Here
Originally published in New Jersey Monthly Along the shores of Tuscany grow wild, salty shrubs that sailors, long ago, claimed to be able to smell long before they could actually see land. It was this distant scent that alerted them that home was near. Although I have never spent time at…
Lost and Found
I was visiting my parents recently and happened to pick up the local newspaper, which was sitting on the kitchen table. There on the front page was the big news of the day, “Lost Items Collected In Lost And Found.” I’m not making this up. I actually had to read it several…
Chickens In The Brothel
To be honest, I’d never really given chickens a lot of thought. I like to eat them – I like an omelet now and again, but that’s about it.
Wild Parties
They found him there the next morning, passed out cold. It was clear what had happened, as the evidence lay strewn all about him on the front lawn of the Baker Lake Resort. So when Lisa Broxson, bookkeeper for the Baker Lake, Washington resort arrived in the morning for work,…
A Brief History of Violence
I’m the guy no one sees. An invisible man in a city of millions. Oh, it’s not hard to be invisible in the city—not like back home in Calumet, Oklahoma where we had a whopping 553 people in the whole town—well, until I left, and then I guess it was…
Santa Accused of Assaulting Third Elf
In a stunning new development, in what has been a month of developments, a third elf has come forward to accuse Santa Claus of sexual harassment and retaliatory behavior. The yet unidentified elf has come forward with claims that Mr. Claus made unwanted sexual advances while they were flying over…