Dear Men: We have recently concluded an exhaustive study, including numerous discussions with persons of the female gender, and have determined that the once hopeful program, “Digital Genitalia Distribution in Order to Influence and Entice Women” through the act of sending pictures of your penis via digital means, has not only been…
The Value of Fasting
I’ve been a lot of thinking lately about a certain corned beef sandwich, preferably grilled with butter, on a nice sturdy rye, with mustard and melted swiss. There’s a perfect pickle there as well. It’s a fantasy that is currently knocking about in my head. I’m on day six of what…
Going to Church
Back before the accident, we’d always go surfing on Sunday mornings. He called it going to church. “Come on, let’s go to church,” he’d say. “I’ll call you in the morning. We don’t want to be late.” Then he’d laugh and slap his knee like he hadn’t said that a…
Shady Palms Motel
You see the sign before you see the motel most times. It’s a big neon one of the type of place that still advertises air conditioning and television as if these are recent inventions and worthy of bragging about. The Shady Palms Motel is not the worst place I’ve ever…
A Whistling Gopher
Whistling Gopher: (n) A mark who departs with a whistle of disbelief after he hears the price of your ride or show or product. I was a showman on the Midway. People said I had sawdust in my blood. An honest to God assman, yessiree. That’s an A&S Man…
An Abundance Of Deficiency
The American grocery store, or supermarket as they are sometimes called, is a thing of freakish wonder to begin with. The sheer volume of goods, most of it not real food, is astounding and frightening. The latest trend are the gourmet grocery stores like Fresh Fields and Trader Joe’s. They…
Uncle Bill’s
He sits in a booth in Uncle Bill’s Pancake House. The corner one near the window. He gets there early, before the crowds, and gets the same thing every time. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just that it’s the same and that there aren’t many people. He doesn’t like…
In Defense Of Sarcasm
We, the members of the internet, just wanted to say a few words in defense of you who so diligently keep us informed on Facebook and other social media outlets about all the vital conspiracy theories, racist rants, urban myths, and fear-based flotsam and jetsam. You provide a valuable public…